Single Mama Tales It All

Why I stink at Kroger

Posted by: SingleMamaTalesItAll on: September 7, 2012

Sometimes I forget how much fun my family can be. We are a family of jokesters and we are always on our toes. Never knowing when the next attack will be. There have been times we have pulled a prank so scandalous that we are laughing in tears. For the most part I’m pretty good at getting someone first, however today I slipped and let my guard down.

I hop in my ratchet piece of a car, (god bless her to rusty bits) and go over to my aunt’s house to visit like I always do. On a typical visit I harass her toddler by scaring her to death when her mom is not looking. Begging them out of food and drinking up all the Kool-Aid.  So I go about doing what I usually do only this time I have my daughter with me. She is running around with my aunt’s daughter terrorizing everything and everyone in their path of tiny tot destruction.

The evening starts to wind down and I finish up bugging my aunt and get ready to go. During the process of leaving my little one says she has to go “pot pot” so I take her. Thinking I would be in and out, the bathroom pit stop is now 15 min in.

Little did I know my aunt was changing her baby and using that opportunity to ruin my life as I know it.  Upon leaving the bathroom I noticed my duffel bag style purse which quite possibly holds my entire life in it, was moved from the couch to the table. No biggie I thought. Little did I know that move would be my un-doing.

I hug my aunt’s little rug rat, who tries to bite me and run. So I tripped her as gently with a loving foot. Cut my eyes at her mom, roll them and tell her she sucks (that’s our traditional I love you secret code) as I slam the door. God I love my family!

Getting my baby in the car seat was when I first noticed it. Sniff. Sniff. What in the world is that smell I said with a twisted nose. Immediately I place proper blame on the toddler who is potty trained, yet after the sniff test she comes up clean. I chalk it up to maybe I ran over something or in the air. Toss my duffel bag purse in passenger seat and we head out.

Just before I made it home I decided to run to Kroger to grab a few items. I have about 10 more minutes before I pull into Kroger and then I smell it again. Sniff. Sniff. What in the SAM HILL is that smell. I mean it’s foul. It’s might as well be Satan’s lower bowels being boiled on a hot summer day. Could it be ME? No way. To be sure, I stealthily sniff my armpits, fingers, various other parts and verified I was not the causing this malicious, vile scent, that seemed to be stuck on me.

Now I’m pissed because I think of my kids ate something in the car and dropped food and I’m about to find a new life form growing under my seat. Parked and annoyed that it’s dark outside and the inside light does not work, I grab my cell phone. The screen light will have to.  I need to know where that smell is coming from. Using my cell phone light I look under the seats, seeing just a few chicken nuggets and a few fries, I am pleased with the finding. Being a mom of 4 I ALWAYS have a chicken nugget or fry under my seat, and they have yet to turn into a foulness that would be assaulting  my nostrils. So I toss the toddler in the back of the buggy and my duffle bag in the front part of the cart. No sooner I start pushing my toddler thru the store and there it is again! Then with assurance in my tone I declared for a FACT it’s something in the air! It HAS to be. With my ugly very irritated face, on I march to grab my stuff.  Each isle I ventured up, the stink was upon me. It got to the point that as I passed people I asked them, do they smell something. Most of them looked at me like I crazy. Looking at me, I could not blame them though. I’m wearing bent up, broken flip-flops, no bra, dinner stains on my shirt, and yet I’m asking them do I smell something.

Hurrying to the line, I prayed no one snapped a picture of me and I’m now posted on the People of Wal-Mart site with the caption “do I stink”.

Casing out the lines, looking the shortest one, I make my move and low & behold,  a woman and her toddler rush in behind me. Thinking to myself “please God, please God” and then it happens. The little girl says “mama I smell stinky!” I immediately defend my body odor explaining it’s in the air. Her mother points out as I’m done putting all my items up, that the smell is concentrated right here with us. You better believe more ME than Us. She then starts looking around on the ground, because surely someone had stepped in dog poop.

While this is going on, the toddler puts my duffel bag up with grocery items. My bag wasn’t there 10 seconds and the bagger said the stink was coming from my bag. OH KNOW HE DIDN’T! Immediately he is a racist, (well not really but I was mad) and he was against anyone not wearing a bra in MY eyes at the time. Without a nasty word, (only the stink eye, and I can give a mean stink eye) I dump my duffel out right there. SEE, I exclaimed, only to see him pick up the poopy diaper among the other contents, which I didn’t know my aunt had thrown in my bag.

I was outdone. Flabbergasted that for almost 1 hr, I was riding around with diaper filled of hot poopy hell, in my bag, and more than likely, had I not made this Kroger trip, it would still be in my bag in the morning. Just the thought of it festering and growing overnight in bag, cause me to throw up in my mouth, just a teeny bit. Tears were streaming from laughing so hard. Oooh weee! She got me!

I finally got home, called her and even before I could say it she dying laughing. Good hearty belly laugh. She said she didn’t know how I made it that long before finding the diaper. She explained that she knew if she would have just asked me to take the diaper out to the trash I would told her pigs would fly first. Therefore she said my bad attitude cause bought this on myself. I could only shake my head cracking up. She knew my smart mouth would say something like that. Promptly I hung up, tap-slapped the “end” button (touch screen is impossible to hang up on anyone) so that I would feel better. Aired out my purse and just shook my head. Yes my family is full of jokesters and my aunt got me real good. So now, it’s on like donkey kong! I have vowed on my children’s last drop of blood I will make her pay. She must pay for causing me a stink at Kroger.

So do you have pranksters in your family? Please feel free to share your story.

2 Responses to "Why I stink at Kroger"

Girl you have me over here laughing hard as hell. This is too funny!

GIRL! OOOOHHHHWEEEEEE! Look on my face at Kroger, priceless!

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